I think about the numerous reasons I stayed quiet about being abused until now, and even as an adult I have a fear of retaliation for speaking up.

Some of it was very likely programmed into me as a child, the overt threats and abominable lies that kept me in line. Threats of an even worse life; threats of death.

Today I can’t help but fear that some boogeyman is going to get me for writing about all this. I have not received a single threat, but still the fear lingers… would someone I know actually kill me over this? Or have I been watching too much Law & Order?

All I know for sure are the wise words of Mark Twain, “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear — not absence of fear.” I will not stop because I feel afraid or unsure of what will come next. Truly, none of us know what will happen next year, next week or even in the next few minutes. Fear cannot paralyze us or we will never learn how to live.

Not only has going public been difficult, embarrassing, and painful, it was something that even a few months ago I would never have dreamed of doing. I had always kept my mouth shut, and suffered the terrible consequences of doing so- one of which was not allowing people to get too close to me. My denial of the past cost me people I wish were in my life today, people I may not be able to get back.

I tried quietly to handle this within my own family and received nothing but push back and excuses, my favorite being, “Everyone goes through hell in life? What’s your problem?!” This version of “get over it” completely misses the point.

While telling my story I hope will help others, it is also an effort to continue healing me. I have survived and accomplished things so far and I need to keep working to cure myself as much as I can.

I also wonder if survivors sharing their stories, from known figures like Oprah Winfrey, Jeannette Walls, Adeline Yen-Mah and Dave Pelzer, to bloggers online, will help protect the next generation. Abuse thrives in the dark of secrecy. If enough of us speak up, abusers will have to think twice becuase children may be less afraid to tell someone what is happening at home. Evil cannot last under a hot spotlight.